Manic Depression Traced Back To Gender Neutral Polka Dots

On A Bad Day

Whenever I’m having a bad day, I just imagine that I am a gangster dentist, in a eucalypt green colored dental surgery, towering over someone in incredible pain. Nelly’s “Grillz” is blastin’-out the surgery boom box. And I circle my patient, throwing off sterile, gown-cloaked gangster hand gestures, before grabbing the overhead fluorescent light and viscously shining it in and out of their face, in a fit of scholarly rebellion.  

The Man Toddler

He is significantly younger than you. And you think this is great. With his tiny-baby enthusiasm, and his tiny-baby good looks. Ergh, he is so cute, you want to violently shove him into a meat grinder. But you can't. Because that is illegal. So you will continue to pick him up from school, or his mum's house, or the Teletubbie Convention, and gently wipe the gunk out of the corner of his eye. Because that is what you signed up for, Older Craddle Snatchy Woman. 

Know-it-all Does Not Know He's A Fucking Dick

Useless Under-sheet Remains Completely Vital

Sun Actually Much More Traumatized By The Sight Of Disgustingly Red Skin

The Old Man

A Short Story

Yesterday, I awoke in a drunken haze to find a creepy old man lying on top of me, dripping his toupee adhesive onto my left cheek. Trapped under this bulging, bolder of pedophilia, I began to spit and gurgle violently in his direction in the hopes that it might reach his hearing aid and electrocute him, or worst-case scenario, he’d just slip and fall-off. Seemingly aroused by my spurting fountain of disgust, he threw his tiny, de-formed, T-Rex hands up behind his head and let-out a loud “Yeeessssss”. But then he had a massive coronary and died. So I just called his wife and asked her to come and pick him up. 

The Kitchen

A short story

Last night, as I was lying in bed, I heard a loud, clanking sound coming from inside the kitchen. So I got up to check it out. I thought, best-case scenario there would be a masked teenager in there for me to stab. So I was particularly disappointed to find it was just my possessed kitchen appliances engaging in some sort of ethical quarrel. “Bla bla bla, Kettle...Bla bla bla, Black Pot”, they screeched at me, as if I cared. But I didn’t. So they both turned on me, scalding me head to toe with boiling hot water. Leaving my mutilated, husk of a body on the tiles, seriously stoked for the next council clean-up.

Ant Not Sorry He Stole Tea-Towel

Ceiling Fixed Gecko Plans to Drop Tail in Home Owner's Mouth This Evening