The Lucky Charm

A couple of months ago I was walking through Circular Quay with a really good friend of mine. Incredibly hung over, with the brain capacity of a half-chewed Mango pip, we endeavoured to peruse the street markets, because, really, touching things, and looking at them with our eyeballs was about all we were good for that day. Strolling through the stalls, I saw what seemed to be a shop that sold lucky charms. Various animal parts, fluffy bits and bones were strewn across tables and suspended from the roof. Having never seen a rabbit’s tail or anything like that before, I excitedly made my way over to touch it for optimal luck. This will definitely perk me up, I thought, as I reached out to touch the rabbit’s tail, until, oh, no, it was rock hard, and swung around the reveal a tag saying ‘Roo Scrotum’. Let this be a lesson to you: in life, you can never un-touch a ball sack. Not ever. 

The Birthday

A short story

This will be like today. A piece of your pie cheek will be missing, but not really, because it's on top of your head and filled with nails. Then an underwater sperm ghost will fly past, mouthing "happy blupblupday" before it eats a fish. But you wont know about that.

The Cat

A fucking short story


Once upon a time there was a cat who was locked indoors all day. My sister was like "Bobbeeeeey, come here and watch this scary movie with me", but the cat was like "OMG, that shit is lame". So my sister pulled rank and made him. At first the cat just sat there, psychotically staring into the distance, wide eyed and hissing... till my sister screamed "Seriously Bobby, shut the fuck up, what's wrong with you"? So I wasn't particularly surprised when the cat flipped out and called upon his ghost friends to teach her a lesson. Just then a family of floating white sheets came down the stairs, making eerie 'woooooooooooooooooooooooo' sounds. Then they just stood there and hovered all ghost-like. But it was a fucking short story, with barely an ending, so that was it.