The Uplifting Dance Movie

As expected, various, crop-top wearing dancers in strangely outdated but contextually relevant grandpa hats emerged out of the crowd, break-dancing their way through muddy puddles towards center stage. ‘Uhh ye-ar’ said their faces as they gave each other silent, gangsta encouragement, before jumping up onto a conveniently placed fruit stand. I thought, this is great, I feel so uplifted watching this, but you know what would make it even better? If that fruit stand were covered with hundreds of used needles. Nothing says rags to riches like overcoming a choreographed needle bed dance.

Know-it-all Does Not Know He's A Fucking Dick

Ant Not Sorry He Stole Tea-Towel

Ceiling Fixed Gecko Plans to Drop Tail in Home Owner's Mouth This Evening

The Tooth Fairy

A short story


One tantalisingly cold night, I awoke from my sleep, only to find the Tooth Fairy digging her petrified, thousand year old, unkempt claws into my gums. "WAUGH DA FAULLK", I exclaimed, as she jammed my mouth open with a jack...frequently chuckling and stabbing me up the nostril with the tip of her magical, theft-driven wing. Disorientated and slightly brain damaged, I commando rolled off my bed, in search of a housemate, a robust man, or an exceedingly ugly pet. To my dismay, the Tooth Fairy was already ten flaps ahead of me...hovering at the end of the hall, licking her fangs and swinging my severed, nerve-endings around the top of her head, like a lasso. "I GERKVV UP", I said, choking on the ramifications. And with that, she just made a high pitch buzzing sound...pegged an obligatory, glittered dollar at my temple, and flew away. Which obviously made it all worthwhile. So I returned back to bed, clutching my dollar, and fell asleep in a blood-stained, linen sea...totally and utterly satisfied. 

The Psychic

A short story

I visited a psychic this one time. She assured me I would fall deeply in love with an albino moon tanner from The Netherlands and we'd bare a tribe of drooling mini me' s. She also said he'd be incredibly destitute and totally intimated by my ambition... but not to worry 'cause my priorities will change and I'll be more than down to shack up in his corrugated box of unwavering love. We'd probably just lick each other clean or something... and listen in to the conversations of passers by, for entertainment.

Naturally, I've taken on her prediction as infallible and have adjusted my selection criteria accordingly.