Manic Depression Traced Back To Gender Neutral Polka Dots

Know-it-all Does Not Know He's A Fucking Dick

Useless Under-sheet Remains Completely Vital

Sun Actually Much More Traumatized By The Sight Of Disgustingly Red Skin

Ant Not Sorry He Stole Tea-Towel

Ceiling Fixed Gecko Plans to Drop Tail in Home Owner's Mouth This Evening

New Amusement Park Ride Labelled Sponsored Slaughter

                                                  



COLOURED-CATASTROPHY CENTRAL-- Disney's newest roller coaster, Sponsored Slaughter, opened this spring, following extensive research done by the Morgues Are Fun Association. 


Spokesperson for the association, Sherry Tyler, reported "The majority of amusement park goers just want to plummet to their death. Last year, 67,000 people died here. Typically you'd think that'd deter your average person from getting on board...but what we found was quite the opposite. In fact, we've been operating Sponsored Slaughter around the clock. Mainly for the parents wanting to gently shove their entire families onto the ride".


Maintenance man, James Stewart, added "I breeds the cats that live in the gears. Grrrrrrrr".


Wet 'N Wild are said to be designing a rapid drowning ride to compete.
     

Fake-Tanned Chicks Gone WILD

Census Report Nation's Singles All Middle-Aged Souls

THIS CRUEL WORLD-- The 2011 Census, conducted nationwide a month ago, revealed that whilst both Australia's "old" and "young souls" were married, or in a serious relationship, middle-aged souls were all still single, boring, and basking in their despair.


Reincarnation Therapist, Dr. Caesar Pythagoras Morpheus said, "People naturally gravitate towards older souls. Their silent complexity is terribly hypnotic...like a fine wine you'd drink and pretend to understand. Young souls, on the other hand, attract mates with their radiating positivity. They're just like a walking anti-depressant...constantly smiling about retarded things like oozing jam and steaming compost heaps. Then we're left with the middle-aged souls who float somewhere in-between. Neither fun or wise. They basically possess all the personality of a badminton shuttlecock. Yeah, they don't even want to date each other. It's really quite sad".


Middle-aged soul, Simon, said something entirely too mediocre to take note of.


The Australian Government suggested middle-aged souls engage in risky behaviour, like running with scissors, to speed up the process.

Restaurant's Resident Creeper Finds Self-Esteem in Deep-Fried Plate of Goo

Bromance Weekly

Pile of Elderly Patients Yet Again Trapped Under Crochet Rug

Time-out Teaching Children Self Defence and Not Much Else

BOOGIEMAN CENTRAL-- New studies reveal that Australian children sent to their room to "think about what they've done", learnt self defence in a fun, interactive way... but not much else.


DOCS worker Anne Cummings initiated the study after discovering the bruises commonly mistaken for child abuse were in fact the result of full body combat with various bedroom terrors. 


Timmy, aged 6, said "I just kept hitting the Boogie Man with my Fisher and Paykel phone till he crawled back under my bed", adding "can you please buy me something scarier then these dinosaur pyjamas...I'd really like to catch some quality Z's".


DOCS suggested parents should compare children to other siblings as an alternative form of punishment. 




Filed under:        dolls that come to life:    nobody likes a party clown:    ghosts:     boogie man:     wetting the bed:     why don't these tags work

Ostrich Seriously Sick of Sticking Own Head in Sand

That's it. If I ever find the bogan that started this trend, I'm going to fly-kick him in the trachea. I don't even know why I do it anymore. Every time I slot my noggin beneath the earth's filth-ridden crust, I hope to God something new and interesting will materialise. Here, let me just...nup, see, just the same old fucking beige, fragmented silica. Have you ever voluntarily dumped a bucket-load of gritty sand in your eyeballs? If I had hands, I'd probably just scrape it out and get over it...or cut myself and call it a night. The point is, if you're responsible for this monstrosity... you now know what I look like. Let's fight motherfucker. I'll be beside this body of water. Waiting.  

Shit Kicker's Dying Wish To Kick More Shit

Katie Garner, daughter of Brian and Mary Garner, died in her home on Iandra Street, Concord, NSW, Thursday morning, May 26. The deceased leaves behind absolutely no one to mourn her untimely death. 

An inside source reported "Katie requested a photocopy machine be set up at the foot of her bed so that she could continue to perform her subordinate tasks whilst we flicked through our many leather-bound books, and remained looking terribly important". 

Katie's funeral service will be held at St Ambrose Church at 2 o'clock Saturday afternoon.   

Filed under :   obviously made up: reception:  brutal:  potentially going 'postal'
why don't these tags work

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Commuter Waits Silently For Racist Taxi Driver to Get a Grip

Emo Balances Out Nickname With Optimistic Drawing

Ugliest Woman In Sydney Becomes Dinner For Gluten Intolerant Locals

Possessed Lawn Mower Proves Terribly Photogenic

Mildly Attractive Female Forced to Consider Sex Change Post Chop-Happy Hairdresser

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