The Man Toddler

He is significantly younger than you. And you think this is great. With his tiny-baby enthusiasm, and his tiny-baby good looks. Ergh, he is so cute, you want to violently shove him into a meat grinder. But you can't. Because that is illegal. So you will continue to pick him up from school, or his mum's house, or the Teletubbie Convention, and gently wipe the gunk out of the corner of his eye. Because that is what you signed up for, Older Craddle Snatchy Woman. 

The Old Man

A Short Story

Yesterday, I awoke in a drunken haze to find a creepy old man lying on top of me, dripping his toupee adhesive onto my left cheek. Trapped under this bulging, bolder of pedophilia, I began to spit and gurgle violently in his direction in the hopes that it might reach his hearing aid and electrocute him, or worst-case scenario, he’d just slip and fall-off. Seemingly aroused by my spurting fountain of disgust, he threw his tiny, de-formed, T-Rex hands up behind his head and let-out a loud “Yeeessssss”. But then he had a massive coronary and died. So I just called his wife and asked her to come and pick him up. 

The Psychic

A short story

I visited a psychic this one time. She assured me I would fall deeply in love with an albino moon tanner from The Netherlands and we'd bare a tribe of drooling mini me' s. She also said he'd be incredibly destitute and totally intimated by my ambition... but not to worry 'cause my priorities will change and I'll be more than down to shack up in his corrugated box of unwavering love. We'd probably just lick each other clean or something... and listen in to the conversations of passers by, for entertainment.

Naturally, I've taken on her prediction as infallible and have adjusted my selection criteria accordingly.

The Fetish

A short story 

So it was your normal thursday night events... I was squatting over James' thorax defecating on him, as he wished. It was quite the spectacle... as it has been known that I seem to have contracted a rather severe case of the some-what taboo bacterial infection; gastrointestinal disruption. Having suffered from the yellow river squirts in its entirety for approximately seven days now, I began to regret having taken The All-Bran Challenge, due to a myriad of un-pleasant subsequent symptoms manifesting themselves in my rectal region. Having quite the self proclaimed budget minded father... seemingly being on a never-ending quest to snatch a barg; toilet tissue is purchased solely for its economic value... which in turn, to my detriment, has created chronic chafe and anal bleeding. Luckily for me, James is deeply in love with me (of course) and regularly proffesses his desire to "have all of me". As he became increasingly aroused he would attack my rear like there was a dollar up there and he were an Ethiopian child in need of a bamboo shoot or various witchetty grubs for necessary vitamins and minerals. Once we had finished our primitive sexual expression, I endeavoured to hit up his bathroom for some quality maintenance slash home medical attention. Resembling a morbidly obese duck with piles, I woddled across the floor and into the hall, only to bump into Yasmin's oaf Popeye like Jaw (his ex). Looking dishevelled and abnormally muscular, she threw herself on me like a fly to shit... I couldn't get rid of her...until her over-powering toxic perfume Eau da Stale Spinach caused temporary blurred vision and eventual suffocation. Lying on the floor un-conscious, exposing my newly acquired largish B-rack and vaginal stubble (complete with a selection of discoloured in-growns)...I slowly regained consciousness to find Popeye towering over me...un-impressed to say the least.   




Disclaimer: Most of the above did not happen on thursday night. 

Explosive for men

The Himalayas

A short story

Yesterday, as I was getting ready to ski my way down the slope…(my eyes fixed on an ill-tempered, sabotage-driven squirrel, flinging pinecones from a nearby wheelbarrow directly into my path) I was taken by surprise when an unidentified white haired paw reached around from behind and gave me a nipple cripple. “What the fuck”, I exclaimed, quickly swivelling around. A large ape-like beast stood still in the snow. It was The Yeti!

Drooling and murmuring, but mostly drooling... The Yeti tugged at my nipple so hard, my eyes began to well. Now, I know what they say about assumptions, but I’m almost certain his massive erect Yeti sword meant he was down to hold hands and just be good friends.

So I farted in front of him to seal the deal. 

We remain loyal pen pals to this day.

Identifying A Bum-Raping Sorcerer

Some are self explanatory 

Some are so mysterious...all communication is non-verbal (the 'open gown, reveal phallus' kind of non-verbal)

Other bum-raping sorcerers hit you over the head with a branch

Or latch onto your back with their giant fingernails, lest you escape

Did you know Swedish bum-raping sorcerers were this cute? I didn't. 

That Dude

I used to date this dude named Frank. He was nice. Nice and weird. I knew this once he'd entered me and muttered "You've got no idea how long I've waited for this day". I was impaled VIA the groin by my very own stalker. Looking back, I don't know why we dated. Perhaps it was his soft hazel eyes that danced melodically over my skin. Perhaps it was his stature; tall and claiming. Or perhaps it was the premature balding patch that reflected moon beams directly into my retina... causing a temporary stimuli overload, episodic epilepsy, followed by a subsequent gap in time. 


Here's hoping.

Fortune Cookies

Pick a number between one and ten. Then, scroll down to read your fortune.

1. Although you might think it apt to make like a Venus Fly Trap, (warding off all suspecting threats to your dearly beloved) rest assured, your efforts will have irreversible adverse effects. The spawn of your womb will not only despise you, but refuse to take you in, during your last excruciatingly painful months of pancreatic cancer.




2. Your obsession with the finer things in life drives you to live beyond your means. Don't let your life savings dictate your emotional stability. Your happiness is priority. Do use your home as collateral for that nose job. It is not an insecurity on your behalf. Your beak is fairly disconcerting. Stop offending the  public aesthetic and make an appointment today, or at least start wearing a peg to bed. Perhaps that might make some inroads. 




3. A life of abstinence awaits you following a horrific bus accident, leaving you impaled through the groin. On the upside, black dress, sees you looking slimmer then ever.




4. Past illegal substance abuse provides you with a treasure trove of stories for the grand kids. However, subsequent chemical imbalances will see you diagnosed with manic depression. Take this with a grain of salt. Life as a suicidal vegetable, means loved ones feel compelled to nurse you through it.




5. A sudden, but prolonged bout of vomiting, leaves you feeling withered and confused. Pissed, you had them photocopy, a colleague laces your lunch with her cat's Snappy Tom. Chomp on some grass and all will be fine.




6. Diplomatic and personable, people naturally gravitate towards you. Throughout your childhood, everything seemed to come easy. Unfortunately for you, your luck runs dry, when starting a family. Inevitably, your worst fears come true as you realise your doubts were warranted. You should never have left your ex for the promise of fresh milk. Subsequently, the later half of your life will be spent in deep dissatisfaction. Any attempt to temper the sting of loneliness will be bitter sweet for having read this.  




7. You have no fortune. Good luck with that.




8. The future looks most promising for you. Picture yourself basking in a jacuzzi, filled with cold, hard, cash. Gluttonous paper cuts sting almost as much as your feelings of abandonment. Everyone is miserable, so you are no longer considered for company. 




9. She lied. Sock her one. 




10. You consider yourself the life of the party; a positive and upbeat personality. Unbeknownst to you, peers laugh at you, not with you. On the bright side, your lucky to still have company. If you weren't such a complete trollop, you'd be entirely alone and completely destitute. Swallow your pride and know your place.