Frostbite Got You Down?

Warm up this winter with these five toasty tips

1. Heat rises. Strap yourself to the ceiling with some 3M™ Repulpable Heavy Duty Double Coated Tape and enjoy a good night's sleep.


2. Pull up a stool and make friends with your toaster. If the radiating heat doesn't suffice... stick a metal object inside for some quality 'time-out'.


3. Stop shaving and grow a dense coat of fur. 


4. For fun the whole family can enjoy, get creative and ask an art teacher about constructing a model volcano. 


5. Men are always warm. Chanel your inner trollop and throw yourself at anything with a penis. 




Filed under: Winter :    I am both disappointed in you for having written this and me for having read it :   why don't these tags work

The Himalayas

A short story

Yesterday, as I was getting ready to ski my way down the slope…(my eyes fixed on an ill-tempered, sabotage-driven squirrel, flinging pinecones from a nearby wheelbarrow directly into my path) I was taken by surprise when an unidentified white haired paw reached around from behind and gave me a nipple cripple. “What the fuck”, I exclaimed, quickly swivelling around. A large ape-like beast stood still in the snow. It was The Yeti!

Drooling and murmuring, but mostly drooling... The Yeti tugged at my nipple so hard, my eyes began to well. Now, I know what they say about assumptions, but I’m almost certain his massive erect Yeti sword meant he was down to hold hands and just be good friends.

So I farted in front of him to seal the deal. 

We remain loyal pen pals to this day.