A fucking short story
A while ago, I noticed a little old lady sitting in a stairwell. She didn't bother anyone necessarily. She'd just sit there, basking in her pained-expression... caressing her dirty left foot... flicking various unwanted toe-crack related materials onto the ground. Obviously we never spoke. I would just climb over her, clutching my belongings, staring intensely at some ambiguous point ahead. Till one day she strategically placed her slipper on the stair, so that I fell, and ruptured several crucial tendons in my ankles, rendering me completely immobile and disgustingly desperate. These days we chill-out on the stairs together, massaging each others feet and screeching harmoniously at passers-by...completely content in our gauntlet of judgement.
COLOURED-CATASTROPHY CENTRAL-- Disney's newest roller coaster, Sponsored Slaughter, opened this spring, following extensive research done by the Morgues Are Fun Association.
Spokesperson for the association, Sherry Tyler, reported "The majority of amusement park goers just want to plummet to their death. Last year, 67,000 people died here. Typically you'd think that'd deter your average person from getting on board...but what we found was quite the opposite. In fact, we've been operating Sponsored Slaughter around the clock. Mainly for the parents wanting to gently shove their entire families onto the ride".
Maintenance man, James Stewart, added "I breeds the cats that live in the gears. Grrrrrrrr".
Wet 'N Wild are said to be designing a rapid drowning ride to compete.
A short story
One tantalisingly cold night, I awoke from my sleep, only to find the Tooth Fairy digging her petrified, thousand year old, unkempt claws into my gums. "WAUGH DA FAULLK", I exclaimed, as she jammed my mouth open with a jack...frequently chuckling and stabbing me up the nostril with the tip of her magical, theft-driven wing. Disorientated and slightly brain damaged, I commando rolled off my bed, in search of a housemate, a robust man, or an exceedingly ugly pet. To my dismay, the Tooth Fairy was already ten flaps ahead of me...hovering at the end of the hall, licking her fangs and swinging my severed, nerve-endings around the top of her head, like a lasso. "I GERKVV UP", I said, choking on the ramifications. And with that, she just made a high pitch buzzing sound...pegged an obligatory, glittered dollar at my temple, and flew away. Which obviously made it all worthwhile. So I returned back to bed, clutching my dollar, and fell asleep in a blood-stained, linen sea...totally and utterly satisfied.
