The Old Lady

A fucking short story


A while ago, I noticed a little old lady sitting in a stairwell. She didn't bother anyone necessarily. She'd just sit there, basking in her pained-expression... caressing her dirty left foot... flicking various unwanted toe-crack related materials onto the ground. Obviously we never spoke. I would just climb over her, clutching my belongings, staring intensely at some ambiguous point ahead. Till one day she strategically placed her slipper on the stair, so that I fell, and ruptured several crucial tendons in my ankles, rendering me completely immobile and disgustingly desperate. These days we chill-out on the stairs together, massaging each others feet and screeching harmoniously at passers-by...completely content in our gauntlet of judgement.

Census Report Nation's Singles All Middle-Aged Souls

THIS CRUEL WORLD-- The 2011 Census, conducted nationwide a month ago, revealed that whilst both Australia's "old" and "young souls" were married, or in a serious relationship, middle-aged souls were all still single, boring, and basking in their despair.


Reincarnation Therapist, Dr. Caesar Pythagoras Morpheus said, "People naturally gravitate towards older souls. Their silent complexity is terribly hypnotic...like a fine wine you'd drink and pretend to understand. Young souls, on the other hand, attract mates with their radiating positivity. They're just like a walking anti-depressant...constantly smiling about retarded things like oozing jam and steaming compost heaps. Then we're left with the middle-aged souls who float somewhere in-between. Neither fun or wise. They basically possess all the personality of a badminton shuttlecock. Yeah, they don't even want to date each other. It's really quite sad".


Middle-aged soul, Simon, said something entirely too mediocre to take note of.


The Australian Government suggested middle-aged souls engage in risky behaviour, like running with scissors, to speed up the process.

Restaurant's Resident Creeper Finds Self-Esteem in Deep-Fried Plate of Goo

Fortune Cookies

Pick a number between one and ten. Then, scroll down to read your fortune.

1. Although you might think it apt to make like a Venus Fly Trap, (warding off all suspecting threats to your dearly beloved) rest assured, your efforts will have irreversible adverse effects. The spawn of your womb will not only despise you, but refuse to take you in, during your last excruciatingly painful months of pancreatic cancer.




2. Your obsession with the finer things in life drives you to live beyond your means. Don't let your life savings dictate your emotional stability. Your happiness is priority. Do use your home as collateral for that nose job. It is not an insecurity on your behalf. Your beak is fairly disconcerting. Stop offending the  public aesthetic and make an appointment today, or at least start wearing a peg to bed. Perhaps that might make some inroads. 




3. A life of abstinence awaits you following a horrific bus accident, leaving you impaled through the groin. On the upside, black dress, sees you looking slimmer then ever.




4. Past illegal substance abuse provides you with a treasure trove of stories for the grand kids. However, subsequent chemical imbalances will see you diagnosed with manic depression. Take this with a grain of salt. Life as a suicidal vegetable, means loved ones feel compelled to nurse you through it.




5. A sudden, but prolonged bout of vomiting, leaves you feeling withered and confused. Pissed, you had them photocopy, a colleague laces your lunch with her cat's Snappy Tom. Chomp on some grass and all will be fine.




6. Diplomatic and personable, people naturally gravitate towards you. Throughout your childhood, everything seemed to come easy. Unfortunately for you, your luck runs dry, when starting a family. Inevitably, your worst fears come true as you realise your doubts were warranted. You should never have left your ex for the promise of fresh milk. Subsequently, the later half of your life will be spent in deep dissatisfaction. Any attempt to temper the sting of loneliness will be bitter sweet for having read this.  




7. You have no fortune. Good luck with that.




8. The future looks most promising for you. Picture yourself basking in a jacuzzi, filled with cold, hard, cash. Gluttonous paper cuts sting almost as much as your feelings of abandonment. Everyone is miserable, so you are no longer considered for company. 




9. She lied. Sock her one. 




10. You consider yourself the life of the party; a positive and upbeat personality. Unbeknownst to you, peers laugh at you, not with you. On the bright side, your lucky to still have company. If you weren't such a complete trollop, you'd be entirely alone and completely destitute. Swallow your pride and know your place.