Good friends, Pterodactyls, dreams coming true.

Recently, a good friend of mine said if she could be anything, it'd be a pterodactyl...so she could soar through the sky, and poop all over everyone below. I thought this was pretty funny, personally.

Filed under:  Pterodactyls:     true story:     her decision is both crazy and completely rational:         wiggidy-whack:      why don't these tags work

The Student

A short story


Discontent with the standard three hour allocated Clay Construction class at ACU, I abandon my trowl and chicken wire and endevour to hit up the infamous Burwog (Burwood) for a refreshing beverage and perhaps the odd piece of 'razzle-dazz' to boost ones fair fugz saturday night ganga attire.
Mulling round the centre, stroking items one couldnt afford...depression on the rise...I turn to exit that oh so generally mundane shop that claimed to sell pants, feeling somewhat confused as I zig zagged my way through a sea of pleather and what seemed like a Texan's dream tassle explosion. To my sheer delight the entrance was blocked by my good friend Claire... striking a pose like she was auditioning for the Madonna film clip VOGUE with her Maybeline sporting pals, Kristie and Sarah. Managing to keep the mass of masticated fruit and yogurt down, I proceeded to greet this woman whilst she simultaneous stroked her shadow... consumed in the awe and narcissism that was her. Minutes passed as the three combed my appearance with their beady unforgiving eyes, frequently persing their laquered lips whilst attempting to maintain some sort of obligatory verbal exchange. Now, I am aware that this day, like most, I had taken all of fifteen minutes to shove my three wisps of hair into some sort of doo...slammed some powder on my beak and left the house satisfied I wasn't entered Australia's Next Top Model... thinking my 'natural' look would suffice. Perhaps I was wrong.  Perhaps I should have emptied a bottle of ivory tinted coloured cement on my head and spent two hours perfectly structuring my lashes into symetrical  black fans resembling that of a theme park gateway entrance. But alas, it was too late. Kristie ritualistical stroked her fringe ever so methodically over the circular pigmentation on her cheek. Her eyes darting side to side as she checked no one had spotted it. Sarah carried the forced conversation as Claire, closely followed by her fucked up tuff of a pony tail and her beloved shadow made their way to any sort of reflective surface for a prep talk, a motivational speech or an affirmation, no doubt. I left in a spot of bother as I recalled memories of these girls from their youths and wondered what fleecy, tasty chop-like animal had become of them.

5 WTF Friends You Wish You Had

The Himalayas

A short story

Yesterday, as I was getting ready to ski my way down the slope…(my eyes fixed on an ill-tempered, sabotage-driven squirrel, flinging pinecones from a nearby wheelbarrow directly into my path) I was taken by surprise when an unidentified white haired paw reached around from behind and gave me a nipple cripple. “What the fuck”, I exclaimed, quickly swivelling around. A large ape-like beast stood still in the snow. It was The Yeti!

Drooling and murmuring, but mostly drooling... The Yeti tugged at my nipple so hard, my eyes began to well. Now, I know what they say about assumptions, but I’m almost certain his massive erect Yeti sword meant he was down to hold hands and just be good friends.

So I farted in front of him to seal the deal. 

We remain loyal pen pals to this day.

The Make-Up Bag

Dear Jessi-Cat,


I hear you've misplaced your silvery bagged mobile 'face'. Not to worry...you are definitely still remotely attractive. I can hardly notice those three black hairs protruding from your left nostril mole... or your ordinarily cleverly camouflaged eyebrow acne. And before you ask, I was most certainly not flicking coins at your big black circles, whispering secret wishes, then flinging myself over the office dividing wall. Anyhow, guess I'll just keep checking the 'Lost Property' box at reception for you. 


P.S.
There is no Lost Property box at reception. 


Sincerely, Not A Friendly Friend.

Fortune Cookies

Pick a number between one and ten. Then, scroll down to read your fortune.

1. Although you might think it apt to make like a Venus Fly Trap, (warding off all suspecting threats to your dearly beloved) rest assured, your efforts will have irreversible adverse effects. The spawn of your womb will not only despise you, but refuse to take you in, during your last excruciatingly painful months of pancreatic cancer.




2. Your obsession with the finer things in life drives you to live beyond your means. Don't let your life savings dictate your emotional stability. Your happiness is priority. Do use your home as collateral for that nose job. It is not an insecurity on your behalf. Your beak is fairly disconcerting. Stop offending the  public aesthetic and make an appointment today, or at least start wearing a peg to bed. Perhaps that might make some inroads. 




3. A life of abstinence awaits you following a horrific bus accident, leaving you impaled through the groin. On the upside, black dress, sees you looking slimmer then ever.




4. Past illegal substance abuse provides you with a treasure trove of stories for the grand kids. However, subsequent chemical imbalances will see you diagnosed with manic depression. Take this with a grain of salt. Life as a suicidal vegetable, means loved ones feel compelled to nurse you through it.




5. A sudden, but prolonged bout of vomiting, leaves you feeling withered and confused. Pissed, you had them photocopy, a colleague laces your lunch with her cat's Snappy Tom. Chomp on some grass and all will be fine.




6. Diplomatic and personable, people naturally gravitate towards you. Throughout your childhood, everything seemed to come easy. Unfortunately for you, your luck runs dry, when starting a family. Inevitably, your worst fears come true as you realise your doubts were warranted. You should never have left your ex for the promise of fresh milk. Subsequently, the later half of your life will be spent in deep dissatisfaction. Any attempt to temper the sting of loneliness will be bitter sweet for having read this.  




7. You have no fortune. Good luck with that.




8. The future looks most promising for you. Picture yourself basking in a jacuzzi, filled with cold, hard, cash. Gluttonous paper cuts sting almost as much as your feelings of abandonment. Everyone is miserable, so you are no longer considered for company. 




9. She lied. Sock her one. 




10. You consider yourself the life of the party; a positive and upbeat personality. Unbeknownst to you, peers laugh at you, not with you. On the bright side, your lucky to still have company. If you weren't such a complete trollop, you'd be entirely alone and completely destitute. Swallow your pride and know your place.