The Lucky Charm

A couple of months ago I was walking through Circular Quay with a really good friend of mine. Incredibly hung over, with the brain capacity of a half-chewed Mango pip, we endeavoured to peruse the street markets, because, really, touching things, and looking at them with our eyeballs was about all we were good for that day. Strolling through the stalls, I saw what seemed to be a shop that sold lucky charms. Various animal parts, fluffy bits and bones were strewn across tables and suspended from the roof. Having never seen a rabbit’s tail or anything like that before, I excitedly made my way over to touch it for optimal luck. This will definitely perk me up, I thought, as I reached out to touch the rabbit’s tail, until, oh, no, it was rock hard, and swung around the reveal a tag saying ‘Roo Scrotum’. Let this be a lesson to you: in life, you can never un-touch a ball sack. Not ever. 

Manic Depression Traced Back To Gender Neutral Polka Dots

The Psychic

A short story

I visited a psychic this one time. She assured me I would fall deeply in love with an albino moon tanner from The Netherlands and we'd bare a tribe of drooling mini me' s. She also said he'd be incredibly destitute and totally intimated by my ambition... but not to worry 'cause my priorities will change and I'll be more than down to shack up in his corrugated box of unwavering love. We'd probably just lick each other clean or something... and listen in to the conversations of passers by, for entertainment.

Naturally, I've taken on her prediction as infallible and have adjusted my selection criteria accordingly.

Fortune Cookies

Pick a number between one and ten. Then, scroll down to read your fortune.

1. Although you might think it apt to make like a Venus Fly Trap, (warding off all suspecting threats to your dearly beloved) rest assured, your efforts will have irreversible adverse effects. The spawn of your womb will not only despise you, but refuse to take you in, during your last excruciatingly painful months of pancreatic cancer.




2. Your obsession with the finer things in life drives you to live beyond your means. Don't let your life savings dictate your emotional stability. Your happiness is priority. Do use your home as collateral for that nose job. It is not an insecurity on your behalf. Your beak is fairly disconcerting. Stop offending the  public aesthetic and make an appointment today, or at least start wearing a peg to bed. Perhaps that might make some inroads. 




3. A life of abstinence awaits you following a horrific bus accident, leaving you impaled through the groin. On the upside, black dress, sees you looking slimmer then ever.




4. Past illegal substance abuse provides you with a treasure trove of stories for the grand kids. However, subsequent chemical imbalances will see you diagnosed with manic depression. Take this with a grain of salt. Life as a suicidal vegetable, means loved ones feel compelled to nurse you through it.




5. A sudden, but prolonged bout of vomiting, leaves you feeling withered and confused. Pissed, you had them photocopy, a colleague laces your lunch with her cat's Snappy Tom. Chomp on some grass and all will be fine.




6. Diplomatic and personable, people naturally gravitate towards you. Throughout your childhood, everything seemed to come easy. Unfortunately for you, your luck runs dry, when starting a family. Inevitably, your worst fears come true as you realise your doubts were warranted. You should never have left your ex for the promise of fresh milk. Subsequently, the later half of your life will be spent in deep dissatisfaction. Any attempt to temper the sting of loneliness will be bitter sweet for having read this.  




7. You have no fortune. Good luck with that.




8. The future looks most promising for you. Picture yourself basking in a jacuzzi, filled with cold, hard, cash. Gluttonous paper cuts sting almost as much as your feelings of abandonment. Everyone is miserable, so you are no longer considered for company. 




9. She lied. Sock her one. 




10. You consider yourself the life of the party; a positive and upbeat personality. Unbeknownst to you, peers laugh at you, not with you. On the bright side, your lucky to still have company. If you weren't such a complete trollop, you'd be entirely alone and completely destitute. Swallow your pride and know your place.