Monday, May 16, 2011
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Anti-Brush Rhyme
Have you ever been BRUSHED?
Brushed so hard that you can’t believe it?
A brush so brut, baby I aint deceivin’
BRUSHED!
Man, don’t make me crash tackle you to the ground
BRUSHED!
Let me break it down
Don’t be scared brushy
I know that you’re busy
I'ma give you some options
Just listen a minute
When you need to send a message
And you don’t have the time
Remember the words to this anti-brush rhyme
Have you ever been BRUSHED?
Brushed so hard that you can’t believe it?
A brush so brut, baby I aint deceivin’
BRUSHED!
Man, don’t tell me your fingers have frostbite
BRUSHED!
Let me break it down
We could use my trusted carrier pigeon
Yeah I’ve trained him good
He hardly poos at all
Coz I feed him bullshit for food
Have you ever been BRUSHED?
Brushed so hard that you can’t believe it?
A brush so brut, baby I aint deceivin’
BRUSHED!
Man, throw a paper airplane at my head
BRUSHED!
Let me break it down
If you’re a verbal kinda guy
Lets connect via cups & string
Service coverage aint a problem
Plus you could always hear me sing
Have you ever been BRUSHED?
Brushed so hard that you can’t believe it?
A brush so brut, baby I aint deceivin’
BRUSHED!
Man, don’t tell me your tonsil fell out
BRUSHED!
Oh yeah, brushed
By the big Brushtacular
BRUSHED
Wass happenin’ Brushy
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
Tuesday, May 10, 2011
Judging a Book by it's Phone Voice
Disclaimer: The above image is not Brad Sayers. However, I'm sure he'd look somewhat similar...judging by his low, guttural phone growl.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Sunday, April 17, 2011
The Fetish
A short story
So it was your normal thursday night events... I was squatting over James' thorax defecating on him, as he wished. It was quite the spectacle... as it has been known that I seem to have contracted a rather severe case of the some-what taboo bacterial infection; gastrointestinal disruption. Having suffered from the yellow river squirts in its entirety for approximately seven days now, I began to regret having taken The All-Bran Challenge, due to a myriad of un-pleasant subsequent symptoms manifesting themselves in my rectal region. Having quite the self proclaimed budget minded father... seemingly being on a never-ending quest to snatch a barg; toilet tissue is purchased solely for its economic value... which in turn, to my detriment, has created chronic chafe and anal bleeding. Luckily for me, James is deeply in love with me (of course) and regularly proffesses his desire to "have all of me". As he became increasingly aroused he would attack my rear like there was a dollar up there and he were an Ethiopian child in need of a bamboo shoot or various witchetty grubs for necessary vitamins and minerals. Once we had finished our primitive sexual expression, I endeavoured to hit up his bathroom for some quality maintenance slash home medical attention. Resembling a morbidly obese duck with piles, I woddled across the floor and into the hall, only to bump into Yasmin's oaf Popeye like Jaw (his ex). Looking dishevelled and abnormally muscular, she threw herself on me like a fly to shit... I couldn't get rid of her...until her over-powering toxic perfume Eau da Stale Spinach caused temporary blurred vision and eventual suffocation. Lying on the floor un-conscious, exposing my newly acquired largish B-rack and vaginal stubble (complete with a selection of discoloured in-growns)...I slowly regained consciousness to find Popeye towering over me...un-impressed to say the least.
Disclaimer: Most of the above did not happen on thursday night.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Mildly Attractive Female Forced to Consider Sex Change Post Chop-Happy Hairdresser
Disclaimer: Medium hold gel not included
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Thursday, March 3, 2011
The Himalayas
Yesterday, as I was getting ready to ski my way down the slope…(my eyes fixed on an ill-tempered, sabotage-driven squirrel, flinging pinecones from a nearby wheelbarrow directly into my path) I was taken by surprise when an unidentified white haired paw reached around from behind and gave me a nipple cripple. “What the fuck”, I exclaimed, quickly swivelling around. A large ape-like beast stood still in the snow. It was The Yeti!
Drooling and murmuring, but mostly drooling... The Yeti tugged at my nipple so hard, my eyes began to well. Now, I know what they say about assumptions, but I’m almost certain his massive erect Yeti sword meant he was down to hold hands and just be good friends.
So I farted in front of him to seal the deal.
We remain loyal pen pals to this day.
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