Thursday, January 10, 2013
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Monday, October 29, 2012
Monday, July 2, 2012
The Old Man
A Short Story
Yesterday, I awoke in a drunken haze to find a
creepy old man lying on top of me, dripping his toupee adhesive onto my left
cheek. Trapped under this bulging, bolder of pedophilia, I began to spit and
gurgle violently in his direction in the hopes that it might reach his hearing
aid and electrocute him, or worst-case scenario, he’d just slip and fall-off. Seemingly aroused by my spurting fountain of disgust, he threw his tiny, de-formed, T-Rex
hands up behind his head and let-out a loud “Yeeessssss”. But then he had a
massive coronary and died. So I just called his wife and asked her to come and
pick him up.
The Kitchen
A short story
Last night, as I was lying in bed, I heard a loud, clanking sound coming from inside the kitchen. So I got up to check it out. I thought, best-case scenario there would be a masked teenager in there for me to stab. So I was particularly disappointed to find it was just my possessed kitchen appliances engaging in some sort of ethical quarrel. “Bla bla bla, Kettle...Bla bla bla, Black Pot”, they screeched at me, as if I cared. But I didn’t. So they both turned on me, scalding me head to toe with boiling hot water. Leaving my mutilated, husk of a body on the tiles, seriously stoked for the next council clean-up.
Friday, March 2, 2012
Friday, January 27, 2012
Thursday, December 8, 2011
The Old Lady
A while ago, I noticed a little old lady sitting in a stairwell. She didn't bother anyone necessarily. She'd just sit there, basking in her pained-expression... caressing her dirty left foot... flicking various unwanted toe-crack related materials onto the ground. Obviously we never spoke. I would just climb over her, clutching my belongings, staring intensely at some ambiguous point ahead. Till one day she strategically placed her slipper on the stair, so that I fell, and ruptured several crucial tendons in my ankles, rendering me completely immobile and disgustingly desperate. These days we chill-out on the stairs together, massaging each others feet and screeching harmoniously at passers-by...completely content in our gauntlet of judgement.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Identifying a Sensitive New Age Troll
Some are self-explanatory.
Please braid my hair
Some will wipe their sludge all over you, dare you try and escape.
Ragh?
Others will trap you in their labyrinth of fragility. Frequently throwing razor-blade parties and drafting suicide notes amidst a sea of bleeding, like-minded Sensitive New Age Troll pity-pals.
I want to violently weep on your chest when we make love, Lauren.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
New Amusement Park Ride Labelled Sponsored Slaughter
COLOURED-CATASTROPHY CENTRAL-- Disney's newest roller coaster, Sponsored Slaughter, opened this spring, following extensive research done by the Morgues Are Fun Association.
Spokesperson for the association, Sherry Tyler, reported "The majority of amusement park goers just want to plummet to their death. Last year, 67,000 people died here. Typically you'd think that'd deter your average person from getting on board...but what we found was quite the opposite. In fact, we've been operating Sponsored Slaughter around the clock. Mainly for the parents wanting to gently shove their entire families onto the ride".
Maintenance man, James Stewart, added "I breeds the cats that live in the gears. Grrrrrrrr".
Wet 'N Wild are said to be designing a rapid drowning ride to compete.
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