The Uplifting Dance Movie

As expected, various, crop-top wearing dancers in strangely outdated but contextually relevant grandpa hats emerged out of the crowd, break-dancing their way through muddy puddles towards center stage. ‘Uhh ye-ar’ said their faces as they gave each other silent, gangsta encouragement, before jumping up onto a conveniently placed fruit stand. I thought, this is great, I feel so uplifted watching this, but you know what would make it even better? If that fruit stand were covered with hundreds of used needles. Nothing says rags to riches like overcoming a choreographed needle bed dance.

The Lucky Charm

A couple of months ago I was walking through Circular Quay with a really good friend of mine. Incredibly hung over, with the brain capacity of a half-chewed Mango pip, we endeavoured to peruse the street markets, because, really, touching things, and looking at them with our eyeballs was about all we were good for that day. Strolling through the stalls, I saw what seemed to be a shop that sold lucky charms. Various animal parts, fluffy bits and bones were strewn across tables and suspended from the roof. Having never seen a rabbit’s tail or anything like that before, I excitedly made my way over to touch it for optimal luck. This will definitely perk me up, I thought, as I reached out to touch the rabbit’s tail, until, oh, no, it was rock hard, and swung around the reveal a tag saying ‘Roo Scrotum’. Let this be a lesson to you: in life, you can never un-touch a ball sack. Not ever.