Sunday, October 12, 2014

The Monday



This will be like today. The rain will fall heavily, but you'll be stuck inside, totally sheltered and disgustingly dry. At your work desk, you'll be in two minds —your Weather Eroded Small Pyramid Mind, and your Spherical Semi-Shaded Mind. They will talk to each other through an invisibly hung studio microphone, and this will confuse you, party because you are not in a studio, but mostly because it's invisible and you can see inside of your skull. Also, somewhere around you will be grey carpet, but you won’t care so much about that. 



Illustration by Roberta Cicerone.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

The Fairy Tail



Fairy Tail was just a baby tail with no actual body attached.  Whenever she’d go out to the bar for some drinks, her friends would be like ‘hey, F-Tizzle, let’s get CRUNK’. But she really couldn’t drink that much because her tail would only soak up so much alcohol before it just dripped, dripped, dripped off again. Sometimes she’d get embarrassed about all the puddles she’d leave behind, but most of the time she’d just think, hey, I don’t have a heart or a fully functioning brain so what the fuck do I care?

Friday, July 25, 2014

Your week ahead predicted by Psychic Bauren

ARIES
Your week starts off with a bang as Mercury travels through your house, setting everything you hold dear on fire. 
TAURUS
People call you Fancy Face behind your back this week. Which you’ll find odd, seeing as your head will be back-to-front.

GEMINI
When you’re having a bad week at work, just picture yourself far, far away. And then imagine yourself being dumped there, because no one will want to hear your whining.
CANCER
Your star sign name comes true! Just jokes. Calm down, crabby.
LEO
A man in the office wears flannel this week. Again.
VIRGO
Tomorrow, your identical (SURPRISE) twin will squeeze your nipple, and you will enjoy it, unfortunately.
LIBRA
Unexpected projects come your way this week, which sees you working late into the wee hours of the night, until, oh no, the night’s swallowed you up, and you are a half-chewed meaty mass.
SCORPIO
POW! Unexpected bug swarm.
SAGITTARIUS
The stars look great for you this week! Everything you could wish for in this divine universe will come true! You should gloat about it. People like that.
CAPRICORN
Your warm breath bothers people. Eat some ice, and then take a refreshing stroll straight to Go Away town.
AQUARIUS
On Friday someone at the pub standing behind you will call you a narcissist. They won’t say your name or anything, but you’ll know they’re talking about you.
PISCES
Guess what, you’ll be at war with someone this week, partly because you disagree with their values, but mostly because they pulverised your baby toe with a Wacom pen.