The Uplifting Dance Movie

As expected, various, crop-top wearing dancers in strangely outdated but contextually relevant grandpa hats emerged out of the crowd, break-dancing their way through muddy puddles towards center stage. ‘Uhh ye-ar’ said their faces as they gave each other silent, gangsta encouragement, before jumping up onto a conveniently placed fruit stand. I thought, this is great, I feel so uplifted watching this, but you know what would make it even better? If that fruit stand were covered with hundreds of used needles. Nothing says rags to riches like overcoming a choreographed needle bed dance.

The Lucky Charm

A couple of months ago I was walking through Circular Quay with a really good friend of mine. Incredibly hung over, with the brain capacity of a half-chewed Mango pip, we endeavoured to peruse the street markets, because, really, touching things, and looking at them with our eyeballs was about all we were good for that day. Strolling through the stalls, I saw what seemed to be a shop that sold lucky charms. Various animal parts, fluffy bits and bones were strewn across tables and suspended from the roof. Having never seen a rabbit’s tail or anything like that before, I excitedly made my way over to touch it for optimal luck. This will definitely perk me up, I thought, as I reached out to touch the rabbit’s tail, until, oh, no, it was rock hard, and swung around the reveal a tag saying ‘Roo Scrotum’. Let this be a lesson to you: in life, you can never un-touch a ball sack. Not ever. 

The Monday

This will be like today. The rain will fall heavily, but you'll be stuck inside, totally sheltered and disgustingly dry. At your work desk, you'll be in two minds —your Weather Eroded Small Pyramid Mind, and your Spherical Semi-Shaded Mind. They will talk to each other through an invisibly hung studio microphone, and this will confuse you, party because you are not in a studio, but mostly because it's invisible and you can see inside of your skull. Also, somewhere around you will be grey carpet, but you won’t care so much about that. 

Illustration by Roberta Cicerone.

The Fairy Tail

Fairy Tail was just a baby tail with no actual body attached.  Whenever she’d go out to the bar for some drinks, her friends would be like ‘hey, F-Tizzle, let’s get CRUNK’. But she really couldn’t drink that much because her tail would only soak up so much alcohol before it just dripped, dripped, dripped off again. Sometimes she’d get embarrassed about all the puddles she’d leave behind, but most of the time she’d just think, hey, I don’t have a heart or a fully functioning brain so what the fuck do I care?

Your week ahead predicted by Psychic Bauren

ARIES

Your week starts off with a bang as Mercury travels through your house, setting everything you hold dear on fire. 

TAURUS

People call you Fancy Face behind your back this week. Which you’ll find odd, seeing as your head will be back-to-front.

GEMINI

When you’re having a bad week at work, just picture yourself far, far away. And then imagine yourself being dumped there, because no one will want to hear your whining.

CANCER

Your star sign name comes true! Just jokes. Calm down, crabby.

LEO

A man in the office wears flannel this week. Again.

VIRGO

Tomorrow, your identical (SURPRISE) twin will squeeze your nipple, and you will enjoy it, unfortunately.

LIBRA

Unexpected projects come your way this week, which sees you working late into the wee hours of the night, until, oh no, the night’s swallowed you up, and you are a half-chewed meaty mass.

SCORPIO

POW! Unexpected bug swarm.

SAGITTARIUS

The stars look great for you this week! Everything you could wish for in this divine universe will come true! You should gloat about it. People like that.

CAPRICORN

Your warm breath bothers people. Eat some ice, and then take a refreshing stroll straight to Go Away town.

AQUARIUS

On Friday someone at the pub standing behind you will call you a narcissist. They won’t say your name or anything, but you’ll know they’re talking about you.

PISCES

Guess what, you’ll be at war with someone this week, partly because you disagree with their values, but mostly because they pulverised your baby toe with a Wacom pen.

The Smudge

A non-story


Today it's kind of mysteriously dark outside, and people are everywhere I want to be. Which means I have to move. Because two's almost a crowd, and crowds are distracting. So now I am on the couch, people-ended, like a really claustrophobic book. I should be doing things. But the air conditioning is blasting in my face like it wants to burn it off. Work-related; I am thinking about what it's like for a deaf, blind, nerve-ending(less) person to experience travel. Sub-thought; they wouldn't get claustrophobic or feel bothered by aggressive air conditioning. Probably.

Inebriation, Paralysis, Bath Water Toast

One morning my sister was so hung over that she couldn't even move her fingers. She was really like a vegetable with extremely expressive eyes. Anyway, I put her in a bath and tried to get her to eat some toast. But she was practically paralysed, so the toast just dropped out of her mouth and into the bath. A bit later she was eating it in the bath water. I thought this was pretty funny, personally.

The Birthday

A short story

This will be like today. A piece of your pie cheek will be missing, but not really, because it's on top of your head and filled with nails. Then an underwater sperm ghost will fly past, mouthing "happy blupblupday" before it eats a fish. But you wont know about that.

Manic Depression Traced Back To Gender Neutral Polka Dots

On A Bad Day

Whenever I’m having a bad day, I just imagine that I am a gangster dentist, in a eucalypt green colored dental surgery, towering over someone in incredible pain. Nelly’s “Grillz” is blastin’-out the surgery boom box. And I circle my patient, throwing off sterile, gown-cloaked gangster hand gestures, before grabbing the overhead fluorescent light and viscously shining it in and out of their face, in a fit of scholarly rebellion.