ARIES
Your week starts off with a bang as Mercury travels through your house, setting everything you hold dear on fire.
TAURUS
People call you Fancy Face behind your back this week. Which you’ll find odd, seeing as your head will be back-to-front.
GEMINI
When you’re having a bad week at work, just picture yourself far, far away. And then imagine yourself being dumped there, because no one will want to hear your whining.
CANCER
Your star sign name comes true! Just jokes. Calm down, crabby.
LEO
A man in the office wears flannel this week. Again.
VIRGO
Tomorrow, your identical (SURPRISE) twin will squeeze your nipple, and you will enjoy it, unfortunately.
LIBRA
Unexpected projects come your way this week, which sees you working late into the wee hours of the night, until, oh no, the night’s swallowed you up, and you are a half-chewed meaty mass.
SCORPIO
POW! Unexpected bug swarm.
SAGITTARIUS
The stars look great for you this week! Everything you could wish for in this divine universe will come true! You should gloat about it. People like that.
CAPRICORN
Your warm breath bothers people. Eat some ice, and then take a refreshing stroll straight to Go Away town.
AQUARIUS
On Friday someone at the pub standing behind you will call you a narcissist. They won’t say your name or anything, but you’ll know they’re talking about you.
PISCES
Guess what, you’ll be at war with someone this week, partly because you disagree with their values, but mostly because they pulverised your baby toe with a Wacom pen.
