Ostrich Seriously Sick of Sticking Own Head in Sand

That's it. If I ever find the bogan that started this trend, I'm going to fly-kick him in the trachea. I don't even know why I do it anymore. Every time I slot my noggin beneath the earth's filth-ridden crust, I hope to God something new and interesting will materialise. Here, let me just...nup, see, just the same old fucking beige, fragmented silica. Have you ever voluntarily dumped a bucket-load of gritty sand in your eyeballs? If I had hands, I'd probably just scrape it out and get over it...or cut myself and call it a night. The point is, if you're responsible for this monstrosity... you now know what I look like. Let's fight motherfucker. I'll be beside this body of water. Waiting.  

Retro Word of the Day

Jerk: (n.) A foolish, rude, or contemptible person.


"I cannot believe you spat on my toothbrush, you fucking jerk".

Frostbite Got You Down?

Warm up this winter with these five toasty tips

1. Heat rises. Strap yourself to the ceiling with some 3M™ Repulpable Heavy Duty Double Coated Tape and enjoy a good night's sleep.


2. Pull up a stool and make friends with your toaster. If the radiating heat doesn't suffice... stick a metal object inside for some quality 'time-out'.


3. Stop shaving and grow a dense coat of fur. 


4. For fun the whole family can enjoy, get creative and ask an art teacher about constructing a model volcano. 


5. Men are always warm. Chanel your inner trollop and throw yourself at anything with a penis. 




Filed under: Winter :    I am both disappointed in you for having written this and me for having read it :   why don't these tags work

The Psychic

A short story

I visited a psychic this one time. She assured me I would fall deeply in love with an albino moon tanner from The Netherlands and we'd bare a tribe of drooling mini me' s. She also said he'd be incredibly destitute and totally intimated by my ambition... but not to worry 'cause my priorities will change and I'll be more than down to shack up in his corrugated box of unwavering love. We'd probably just lick each other clean or something... and listen in to the conversations of passers by, for entertainment.

Naturally, I've taken on her prediction as infallible and have adjusted my selection criteria accordingly.