The Smudge

A non-story


Today it's kind of mysteriously dark outside, and people are everywhere I want to be. Which means I have to move. Because two's almost a crowd, and crowds are distracting. So now I am on the couch, people-ended, like a really claustrophobic book. I should be doing things. But the air conditioning is blasting in my face like it wants to burn it off. Work-related; I am thinking about what it's like for a deaf, blind, nerve-ending(less) person to experience travel. Sub-thought; they wouldn't get claustrophobic or feel bothered by aggressive air conditioning. Probably.

Inebriation, Paralysis, Bath Water Toast

One morning my sister was so hung over that she couldn't even move her fingers. She was really like a vegetable with extremely expressive eyes. Anyway, I put her in a bath and tried to get her to eat some toast. But she was practically paralysed, so the toast just dropped out of her mouth and into the bath. A bit later she was eating it in the bath water. I thought this was pretty funny, personally.

The Birthday

A short story

This will be like today. A piece of your pie cheek will be missing, but not really, because it's on top of your head and filled with nails. Then an underwater sperm ghost will fly past, mouthing "happy blupblupday" before it eats a fish. But you wont know about that.

Manic Depression Traced Back To Gender Neutral Polka Dots

On A Bad Day

Whenever I’m having a bad day, I just imagine that I am a gangster dentist, in a eucalypt green colored dental surgery, towering over someone in incredible pain. Nelly’s “Grillz” is blastin’-out the surgery boom box. And I circle my patient, throwing off sterile, gown-cloaked gangster hand gestures, before grabbing the overhead fluorescent light and viscously shining it in and out of their face, in a fit of scholarly rebellion.  

The Man Toddler

He is significantly younger than you. And you think this is great. With his tiny-baby enthusiasm, and his tiny-baby good looks. Ergh, he is so cute, you want to violently shove him into a meat grinder. But you can't. Because that is illegal. So you will continue to pick him up from school, or his mum's house, or the Teletubbie Convention, and gently wipe the gunk out of the corner of his eye. Because that is what you signed up for, Older Craddle Snatchy Woman. 

Know-it-all Does Not Know He's A Fucking Dick