Retro Word of the Day

Festy: (a.) Bad, disgusting, undesirable, revolting. Backconstruction from verb "fester".




"MAN, your eyebrow acne is festy"

The Tooth Fairy

A short story


One tantalisingly cold night, I awoke from my sleep, only to find the Tooth Fairy digging her petrified, thousand year old, unkempt claws into my gums. "WAUGH DA FAULLK", I exclaimed, as she jammed my mouth open with a jack...frequently chuckling and stabbing me up the nostril with the tip of her magical, theft-driven wing. Disorientated and slightly brain damaged, I commando rolled off my bed, in search of a housemate, a robust man, or an exceedingly ugly pet. To my dismay, the Tooth Fairy was already ten flaps ahead of me...hovering at the end of the hall, licking her fangs and swinging my severed, nerve-endings around the top of her head, like a lasso. "I GERKVV UP", I said, choking on the ramifications. And with that, she just made a high pitch buzzing sound...pegged an obligatory, glittered dollar at my temple, and flew away. Which obviously made it all worthwhile. So I returned back to bed, clutching my dollar, and fell asleep in a blood-stained, linen sea...totally and utterly satisfied. 

Good friends, Pterodactyls, dreams coming true.

Recently, a good friend of mine said if she could be anything, it'd be a pterodactyl...so she could soar through the sky, and poop all over everyone below. I thought this was pretty funny, personally.

Filed under:  Pterodactyls:     true story:     her decision is both crazy and completely rational:         wiggidy-whack:      why don't these tags work

Restaurant's Resident Creeper Finds Self-Esteem in Deep-Fried Plate of Goo

Bromance Weekly

Pile of Elderly Patients Yet Again Trapped Under Crochet Rug

Time-out Teaching Children Self Defence and Not Much Else

BOOGIEMAN CENTRAL-- New studies reveal that Australian children sent to their room to "think about what they've done", learnt self defence in a fun, interactive way... but not much else.


DOCS worker Anne Cummings initiated the study after discovering the bruises commonly mistaken for child abuse were in fact the result of full body combat with various bedroom terrors. 


Timmy, aged 6, said "I just kept hitting the Boogie Man with my Fisher and Paykel phone till he crawled back under my bed", adding "can you please buy me something scarier then these dinosaur pyjamas...I'd really like to catch some quality Z's".


DOCS suggested parents should compare children to other siblings as an alternative form of punishment. 




Filed under:        dolls that come to life:    nobody likes a party clown:    ghosts:     boogie man:     wetting the bed:     why don't these tags work

Ostrich Seriously Sick of Sticking Own Head in Sand

That's it. If I ever find the bogan that started this trend, I'm going to fly-kick him in the trachea. I don't even know why I do it anymore. Every time I slot my noggin beneath the earth's filth-ridden crust, I hope to God something new and interesting will materialise. Here, let me just...nup, see, just the same old fucking beige, fragmented silica. Have you ever voluntarily dumped a bucket-load of gritty sand in your eyeballs? If I had hands, I'd probably just scrape it out and get over it...or cut myself and call it a night. The point is, if you're responsible for this monstrosity... you now know what I look like. Let's fight motherfucker. I'll be beside this body of water. Waiting.  

Retro Word of the Day

Jerk: (n.) A foolish, rude, or contemptible person.


"I cannot believe you spat on my toothbrush, you fucking jerk".

Frostbite Got You Down?

Warm up this winter with these five toasty tips

1. Heat rises. Strap yourself to the ceiling with some 3M™ Repulpable Heavy Duty Double Coated Tape and enjoy a good night's sleep.


2. Pull up a stool and make friends with your toaster. If the radiating heat doesn't suffice... stick a metal object inside for some quality 'time-out'.


3. Stop shaving and grow a dense coat of fur. 


4. For fun the whole family can enjoy, get creative and ask an art teacher about constructing a model volcano. 


5. Men are always warm. Chanel your inner trollop and throw yourself at anything with a penis. 




Filed under: Winter :    I am both disappointed in you for having written this and me for having read it :   why don't these tags work